It is a commonly held misconception that if there were to be a nuclear war, the only survivors on the planet would be cockroaches. Not only is this false (Myth Busted!), but upon further meditation, anyone wise enough to have mastered Ninja Gaiden 2 will of course immediately recognize that Ninjas would also have survived a nuclear war due to the ease of holding L1 to block–thus instantly refuting the theory.

While the preceding paragraph might also include a travesty of a rambling run-on, it also contains valuable nuggets of wisdom that do in fact turn out to have surprising relevance to the subject matter. You see, after many hours of polishing stratagems perfecting execution, it was much to our dismay that we discovered many of our raiders were not holding L1 for the duration of the fight. Of course, this led us to discover that not only were we deprived of a critical aspect of our strategy, we were further devastated to deduce that we were not evening playing Ninja Gaiden 2, that we were not actual ninjas and that we did in fact prefer window-licking-crazy Katie Holmes to Maggie Gyllenhaal as Batman’s girlfriend (admit it now or you’ll have to later in therapy).

Entire histories had to be re-written.

Scene skip to post-epiphany montage scene where we step up to Brutallus like an metaphor filled with abusive hyperbole used to rebuke an internet message board troll. Oh yeah it was that bad. We got fast-tracked to boot-stomping his face. We beat him so hard he thought we must be there because of his role in global warming, and even offered to purchase some carbon-credits from us, but we weren’t having it because we don’t believe in those silly scams. I know it may sound cruel, but don’t worry, because he didn’t cry real tears.

When he got done crying, he was actually a pretty cool guy, so we went out for a few beers. Then we ruffied him, took some pics, jacked all his stuff and bust out. Don’t judge me, I’m just here to tell you how it went down.

Dear journal,

So I was on my way to the ‘Simple Plan’ concert of the century when I came across this dude on the side of the road. He’s wearing a T-shirt supporting ‘Simple Plan’, so of course I pick him up so we can hang out at the concert and cut each other’s names into our chests and whatnot… typical stuff that friends do. This guy is way dark though man. He’s cut out both his eyes because he can’t stand to see all the judging eyes of the world looking back at him. He hangs out with a skull all the time and he always carries two blades with him for emergency cut sessions.

We get to talking about black hair dye brands and mascara and such. It’s all going real well until he said the wrong three words… ‘I hate ninjas’.

I was all for making this dude my BFF until he uttered those words. You hate ninjas? Sorry friend, now your ass has to die. I sprung into action and called out for my ninja posse to come to my aid, and indeed they did. What follows, my children, is a battle that nearly eclipsed all of humanity. We fought for 3 days plus 5… 8 DAYS! My ninjas, armed with only their sacred guitars, stood by my side as we did battle with this razor wielding reject. We ninjas flung everything we had at him, from simple chords to full on Freebird solos, and it seemed like nothing would stop him. Every time we nailed a kick ass solo with full star power he would just laugh and sing right back at us, ‘HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?’ We’d hit him with another guitar riff with all our might, ‘WE MADE OUR MISTAKES!’ We were foiled again.

Just when thought the battle was lost, I had a stroke of genius. Perhaps… perhaps it was I, the mighty GM, that was preventing us from winning. So, I did like any champion of his people would have done, and I let my ninja army fight on without me while I made some sandwiches. While I was away, my troops played the hardest songs that they could think of on their guitars. They wailed and wailed on their guitars until the mighty emo prince writhed in pain after hearing such classics as: ‘Won’t Get Fooled Again’, ‘Raining Blood’, ‘November Rain’, ‘Eruption’, and all your other favorite hits from the 60’s until now. Before I could return with PB&J for everyone… the prince of cutters lay dead.

After that I went to the ‘Simple Plan’ concert and had a great time. I got a henna tattoo, a ladder piercing on my junk, and got the papers to divorce my parents and everything. It was a great time.

Love always journal, my only friend,
-Pestilence

It’s tax day today. Hope you didn’t forget, cause if you did….

“YOU ARE NOT PREPARED!”

This week, on the IC:

Gathios the Shatterer finally tells Lady Malande that he loves her in the season finally of the IC.  Things get really heated when Lady Malande tells Gathios that she’s still in love with her ex boyfriend, Veras Darkshadow, because he’s much more sensitive than Gathios can ever be.  The fun doesn’t stop there though, because High Nethermancer Zerevor is moving into the loft in the IC house, and he’s bringing an ass that can turn even the most manly Shatterer into a sensitive metrosexual.  Will Zerevor be able to give Gathios the makeover that he needs to become the true love of Lady Malande’s life before Veras steps in and gives her the shocker?  Find out in the two hour season finally of the IC. 

Spoiler Alert: Zerevor runs off with Nury and gets siphillis, Camron uses his pimp hand and ushers Lady Malande into his she-stable where she gets the clap, Veras Darkshadow emo cuts himself after he finds out that his girlfriend Whitethorn is actually a man, and Gathios goes on a banging spree and knocks up all the Rev ladies and Tox.  Joke’s on him though, because as it turns out, Twixi is actually a black widow and kills after mating… thus explaining why Kelynn is so quiet.  In the end, three of them drop their pants and they all end up dead.  Quite a twist right?

I like big demon butts and I cannot lie
you other raiders can’t deny
when a boss walks in with an itty bitty waist
and six blades to rock your face you get sprung.
Wanna pull up a chair cause you noticed that raid was stacked.
I’m dodgin’ the bolts she’s throwin
I’m debuffed now I’m goin’
Oh baby I wanna get wit ya
and take your picture.
The raid guides tried to warn me
but that loot you got makes me so horny.
Oh bunch of beam rays
you say you’re not impressed?
Well mash Sob, slash Sob
cause you aint that average trash mob.
I’ve seen the webstats
to hell with the craft mats.
Just farm em and trade em
then shut yo mouth and make em.
I’m tired of all these sites
cryin about all these fights
take a Revelations dude and ask him that
she ended on her back.
So Fellas (YEAH!) fellas (YEAH!)
You punked on Mother Shaz? (HELL YEAH!)
So take it (TAKE IT) take it (TAKE IT)
take that quad rogue loot.
Mother got slapped!